Another request here to read my post about things that annoy and trouble me.
https://marybirds.blogspot.com/p/not-helpful-phone-calls-facebook.html
Reminder - I spent last week with IV equipment taped to my chest while undergoing daily chemo. This was to spare me from extra needle sticks, not to give you a painful place to give me a noogie. PLEASE DO NOT TOUCH ME, because you can easily hit somewhere that hurts and also because this chemo can completely tank my resistance to disease. You can infect me and delay my next treatment.
About Toxic Positivity. Ruling my feelings inconsequential with platitudes (everything will be all right). You don't know that and it is very painful to hear that level of superficialness. You can say "it sucks" or "I'm sorry" and not offend me. But you can't tell me my feelings are not valid (it is going to be all right) without getting an immediate and very negative reaction from me
.
Now about those other annoying questions.
Don't ask how long I'm on chemo. It's not like jail. I don't have an end date.
I'm on chemo. I'm on chemo until it works, I give up, or I die.
It's not a polite question to ask how long I'm going to be chemo. I don't have a clue, and my Drs don't either. It's a constantly shifting timeline, partly it's changing Drs a couple times in the next month. Mostly it's NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS.
Monday was another stupid question. Woman chemo survivor comes over to tell me how everything is going to be all right. Seriously? I asked her how she knew better than my Drs! Just because you or someone you know survived a poor cancer percentage is not transferable to me or others. I tell people right off (including this person) that I'm not there to talk about cancer but that's' what they want to talk about, as though that overrules my saying I'm not there to talk about cancer.
People. I rarely say something I don't mean.
Ugh. Today I have a bit of a sore throat that doesn't seem to be cured by Tylenol. I was up in the night having over eaten at the holiday event yesterday / Monday. My system wasn't ready for it. Still isn't. But I'm catching up on RGVBF stuff (still fun) and work tasks, but will likely not cook at all for Turkey Day. Too much rich food! I'm working my way through some homemade butternut squash soup, hoping that helps with yesterdays excesses.
More birds.
Tuesday, November 26, 2019
Saturday, November 23, 2019
El Cielo / Gomez Farias
With the support of my friends and co-leaders Rene Valdes, Eric Martinez, and Jorge Montejo I had a great time going back to El Cielo. The weather didn't cooperate with another massive norther blowing in on Monday night, and the rain lingering and pounding on Wednesday night before our trip to Alta Cima on Thursday putting a damper on the birds.
The long bus ride on the way down seemed even longer on the way back after we traded our bus with working AC and toilet (but defective charging ports and WiFi) for a bus with working charging ports but no AC or toilet (and still no WiFi). I wish I knew which of the participants complained so I could thank them for the ride back to the border.
We had a truly diverse crowd with us, from non-birders with no binoculars to birders who had been to El Cielo before, from people who used canes to walk to able bodied, and more. The way down we had a three-ring circus changing from a US bus to taxis to a Mexican bus. It was worse on the way back, as we did the first exchange in an "interesting" area of Reynosa and then sat in the taxis for what seemed like forever. I got home after 11 and was in bed by midnight. Yuck.
But all this has little on the trepidation I feel with guiding in the morning tomorrow and treatment starting tomorrow afternoon. This treatment is every day for five days, a new schedule apparently designed to burn my time. And there were some issues with the house when I got home but I think I've got them resolved (ha!).
Continued.
It was a busy week with continuing plumbing issues (and a great new plumber), guiding one day (had to reassign the second due to the plumbing), work on Wednesday, and chemo EVERY f*ing day. I didn't have the option on Monday to leave the needle in, and the painful needle stick on Tuesday (back in the same small port as Monday) led me to try leaving the needle in on Tuesday at the nurses suggestion. I didn't sleep well (maybe too much steroids combining post-treatment steroids with pre-treatment steroids) and the apparatus taped to me to protect the needle woke me up more than a few times. I still struggle sleeping on my left side but it did help speed the process and reduce the pain to leave the needle in the port. I made it all the way to Friday that way.
Friday I had a meeting in Harlingen and stopped to see Rick and May for a lavish lunch (with fresh avocado!) before heading in to the hospital for the last chemo. I went looking for Huck's goatsucker afterwards and realized how tired I was as I looked for it. Nothing medical on next week, but the week after is chock a block again with meeting Dr. 8 (no idea yet, a temporary replacing my chemo doc), blood draws (this chemo can whack blood counts), and more. Yuck.
Trying to catch up on work, eBirding for the festival, TBRC reviews (fun stuff!) paying and reimbursing the guides, and stuff around the house. Oh, and birding. Always birding. Good to have friends returning for the winter season, and cooler temps!
The long bus ride on the way down seemed even longer on the way back after we traded our bus with working AC and toilet (but defective charging ports and WiFi) for a bus with working charging ports but no AC or toilet (and still no WiFi). I wish I knew which of the participants complained so I could thank them for the ride back to the border.
We had a truly diverse crowd with us, from non-birders with no binoculars to birders who had been to El Cielo before, from people who used canes to walk to able bodied, and more. The way down we had a three-ring circus changing from a US bus to taxis to a Mexican bus. It was worse on the way back, as we did the first exchange in an "interesting" area of Reynosa and then sat in the taxis for what seemed like forever. I got home after 11 and was in bed by midnight. Yuck.
But all this has little on the trepidation I feel with guiding in the morning tomorrow and treatment starting tomorrow afternoon. This treatment is every day for five days, a new schedule apparently designed to burn my time. And there were some issues with the house when I got home but I think I've got them resolved (ha!).
Continued.
It was a busy week with continuing plumbing issues (and a great new plumber), guiding one day (had to reassign the second due to the plumbing), work on Wednesday, and chemo EVERY f*ing day. I didn't have the option on Monday to leave the needle in, and the painful needle stick on Tuesday (back in the same small port as Monday) led me to try leaving the needle in on Tuesday at the nurses suggestion. I didn't sleep well (maybe too much steroids combining post-treatment steroids with pre-treatment steroids) and the apparatus taped to me to protect the needle woke me up more than a few times. I still struggle sleeping on my left side but it did help speed the process and reduce the pain to leave the needle in the port. I made it all the way to Friday that way.
Friday I had a meeting in Harlingen and stopped to see Rick and May for a lavish lunch (with fresh avocado!) before heading in to the hospital for the last chemo. I went looking for Huck's goatsucker afterwards and realized how tired I was as I looked for it. Nothing medical on next week, but the week after is chock a block again with meeting Dr. 8 (no idea yet, a temporary replacing my chemo doc), blood draws (this chemo can whack blood counts), and more. Yuck.
Trying to catch up on work, eBirding for the festival, TBRC reviews (fun stuff!) paying and reimbursing the guides, and stuff around the house. Oh, and birding. Always birding. Good to have friends returning for the winter season, and cooler temps!
Sunday, November 10, 2019
RGVBF emotions
The Rio Grande Valley Birding Festival is always a blur for me. The time goes too quickly and I have too many old friends to talk to and new friends to make. I did my best to stop and talk to everyone I could this time. I had so much help with my usual tasks of running the leaders and field trips that it was a cakewalk for me physically.
Today was an emotional roller coaster. Someone that hasn't spoken to me in almost three years but used to speak to me frequently came over and asked how I am doing. Evidently a mutual human I saw on Wednesday told them I was nearly bald and they had nose trouble and wanted to know more. My issue? I was leading a group. Why in the *uck would you walk up to a chemo / cancer patient and ask how they are doing in front of 20 people? Were they intentionally trying to make me emotional, or get a knee-jerk response of "how do you THINK I'm doing? I'm dying one day at a time - just like you. Only I'll die a hell of a lot sooner". I'm still upset. I did not handle it well. But the field trip was awesome. Incidently my response was an admittedly testy "we're not talking about that now". I've said that to several people at the festival. People I've never met before ask the most invasive questions. No, they don't get answers.
Speaking of awesome field trips, the only other field trip I led was with my friend Laura Paulson. We did a tram tour of beautiful Estero Llano Grande State Park with the one and only John Yochum, park naturalist. It was a great day, even if the winds were blowing NW at 20. That was Friday.
So the fest ends tonight, and I continue birding for a few day with my friends Rene, Eric, and Jorge. It's going to be a blast. I just hope I'm physically up for it. I've pulled something in my gut again and am in pain. Those guys will make it as easy on me as possible. And I will do my best to enjoy every minute of it.
Today was an emotional roller coaster. Someone that hasn't spoken to me in almost three years but used to speak to me frequently came over and asked how I am doing. Evidently a mutual human I saw on Wednesday told them I was nearly bald and they had nose trouble and wanted to know more. My issue? I was leading a group. Why in the *uck would you walk up to a chemo / cancer patient and ask how they are doing in front of 20 people? Were they intentionally trying to make me emotional, or get a knee-jerk response of "how do you THINK I'm doing? I'm dying one day at a time - just like you. Only I'll die a hell of a lot sooner". I'm still upset. I did not handle it well. But the field trip was awesome. Incidently my response was an admittedly testy "we're not talking about that now". I've said that to several people at the festival. People I've never met before ask the most invasive questions. No, they don't get answers.
Speaking of awesome field trips, the only other field trip I led was with my friend Laura Paulson. We did a tram tour of beautiful Estero Llano Grande State Park with the one and only John Yochum, park naturalist. It was a great day, even if the winds were blowing NW at 20. That was Friday.
So the fest ends tonight, and I continue birding for a few day with my friends Rene, Eric, and Jorge. It's going to be a blast. I just hope I'm physically up for it. I've pulled something in my gut again and am in pain. Those guys will make it as easy on me as possible. And I will do my best to enjoy every minute of it.
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