High Anxiety and Much Ado about nothing …

1/27

So let’s see.  Early December I had to put my mare Dreamer down. It was the hardest thing I had to do in this life but it was also the kindest.  I blew up my car (well not really but I thought it was dead).  And then about ten days ago I was eating a sandwich and broke a tooth. Four dentist appointments and a crown later I think I’m done with that stuff for now.  

For five months I’ve been trying to get the results of genetic testing for immunotherapy. Today while getting my port flush I pushed for information and lo and behold the results were in!  Can I see the Dr next week?  Hell no. But I can see him TOMORROW.  Once again I was told it has to be in person so I will be having a cow if the Dr tells me otherwise.  

I still need to buy a new car, I still need to lose some anxiety that crept up on me today, and I need to stop losing weight.  

1/28 

So yesterday the PA told me I had to see the Doctor in person so I went back to the hospital oncology clinic today.  Fortunately he was pretty much on time and home to home was only 3 hours.  

I was hoping for GOOD news on the test since I had to go in in person, because all I came up with for bad news was we keep doing what we are doing.  Good news we would need to talk about changes, bad news no changes to talk about.  I was wrong.  Mostly the report said they had insufficient material to test.  So no news, the worst option of all.  We will go ahead with the next CT and see how things are going, so no more news for 6 weeks-ish.  

Pain and Loss

This happened about 8 weeks ago. I was too upset to share it. 

I had someone at the recent festival tell me I was lucky to be alive after four years fighting cancer.   Really.  I had a visceral reaction about the four years of pain, terror, nausea, physical limitations, pain, and did I say pain?  I’m not so sure.  I’m not doing this damned treatment to live another month with these issues.  I’m doing the treatment in the (slim) hope to get to the other side, to a life without pain, without nausea, where I can walk and do the things I like to do.  It’s a fantasy, but it’s my fantasy.  

The people that care for my horses recently found my girl in pain with an abscess, and the pain wasn’t relieved when the abscess started draining.  The vet came out and we found that her old age disease was limiting her immune system and that her old founder issues meant that she was in constant pain.  The abscess was the least of her worries.  I had the choice to make, try to save her or put her down.   

Trying to save her was the heart speaking.  She would be in constant pain for a year at least.  Sooner or later the same issues that led to Secretariat being put down would likely necessitate her euthanasia as well.  It would be a life of pain and restrictions and treatments.  And she’s a diva or drama queen when it comes to pain.   The other choice was that I could put her down.  I couldn’t do it that day, mentally I had to process the news.  But I decided to put her down and three days later we did.  

In the intervening three days she was on pain killers and increasingly mobile, but that was like fools gold, there was no improvement. We could actually see the injury getting worse day by day.  It was the right thing for her.  I couldn’t have explained to her why the pain was necessary and what I hoped for in her future.  She wouldn’t understand my hopes for her future.  What I really wanted for her was a life without pain, and there was only one path.  

Good bye Dreamer, I will never forget you.