No Means No

We have finally gotten the word to people that a person saying no to a potential partner means no whether one person would like it to mean something else or not.  So why is the same not true for cancer patients?

For some damn reason people don’t seem to understand that if I say no thank you I mean "no thank you" which usually means let me do it myself.  Actually, as I discovered last week when I was ganged up on by people offering me the same thing at the same time, it means no f**king way.  Ah, frustrations.  

The Rio Grande Valley Birding Festival is a complicated time for me emotionally.  Much like a helicopter mom I'm convinced everything that can go wrong will go wrong at one time or another.  I've gotten better about trusting that trips that head out will return.  It's also tied closely to my cancer.  I got my diagnosis of cancer (but not the type) while at the RGVBF.  Talk about a gut punch.  It seems like I relive it every festival.  And before I told others much about my diagnosis and issues, I had to tell my coleads on the post trip about why I was unable to walk far or fast.  What a change in perspective now, walking is even shorter distances now.  

Well I lived through another fest though I was an emotional wreck by the end of it.  I made sure to spend time in the vaccinated "guide bubble" if you will, spending time chatting with people in the lunch room.  I was uncomfortable with mixing with the unmasked and unknown vaccination status multitudes, so I never made it to the vendor area this year.  And though the office on the north side of the building was assigned to me I couldn't get there, it was just too far to walk.  

That said, I walked farther than normal at the fest and I can feel it even now.  I chased the Social Flycatcher (formerly Anti-social Flycatcher) yesterday and was amazed I was able to get to the bird with only one stop for a rest.  The cooler temps help and so does an ABA bird at the end of the walk!  I was beat when it was time to head home, many thanks to my friend Justin for picking me up and taking me the short distance back to my car.  I can still feel it in my legs today.  But I saw the bird!  It took a village, I'm lucky to have so many friends (even when I'm cranky).  

The Joys of side effects

Imagine learning English and coming across the term “side effects”. What on earth would you think it meant?  Here’s what it means to me.  

The first drug I took for chemo had a potential side effect of permanent deafness or blindness.  The risk was so low it didn’t even make the printed material.  About two percent of people treated with this drug go deaf and half that go blind. The thought of losing my ability to hear or see birds was depressing. Fortunately I didn’t have those side effects but the main effects were absent as well, no beneficial effects. 

The second drug I took required use of a surgical port as leakage of the drug into muscle could cause the death of the muscle.  I’m glad I wasn’t in the group that made that discovery and lost an arm or was killed by it.  Again no side effects but no beneficial effects   

The third drug was much less memorable.  

So forgive me if I’m not too concerned about the side effects of the current drug because it’s nothing compared to the drugs that I’ve already been on. I have neuropathy in my feet so the first few steps after I get up are interesting because I can’t feel the soles of my feet. The neuropathy must be from one of the first three drugs because it’s not a side effect for the current drugs. It can appear long after the treatment is over and it did that for me. 

I never really had a lot of acne on my face as a teen but the side effects now are making up for it so it only takes a little bit of any kind of outside stress in my face just blows up with pimples. If I’m going to work on being younger that’s not the part of it I want to experience

My hair is growing in pretty well but it’s thinner than it used to be and it’s darker. I now recognize myself when I look in the mirror but it still looks like it’s the wrong color to me. And it’s so short and thin I just can’t get used to it.

I still have nausea at inconvenient times especially in the morning. I had been doing pretty well and then the morning of a pelagic trip I was sick heading out of the house and then sick again at the dock, not a good way to start getting on a boat for 12 hours. I ended up not going because I was worried about making everybody else sick since the forecast was for just a little bit bumpy. I was also worried about popping a blood vessel and having it be 70 miles to the hospital across the open Gulf of Mexico.

Speaking of popping blood vessels, every time I need to sneeze or blow my nose I am likely to pop some capillaries and have blood buildup in my sinuses and make an extravagant display on a Kleenex. I also bleed profusely with every puncture from every native tree thorn. My arms look like I am abused some days. Lots of bruising and lots of small pockets of blood thanks to my blood thinners.

The drugs I am on now are innocuous compared to the first three drugs. First off they are pills so I don’t need to use the surgical port.  The surgical port still needs to be flushed out every six weeks with heparin to stop blood clotting. The last two or three times I’ve been in there they’ve kept me hanging around until closing time for this five or 10 minute procedure. Before the procedure they ask about what are my plans for the port as in why haven't I had it removed yet. I’m not sure why it’s their business. I should tell them to go talk to the Doctor, who of course won’t give them any information. But I’m starting to feel like it’s passive aggressive behavior where they’re letting me sit around from 3 o’clock to 445 before they take care of the port flush.

Lots of stress in my life this week with the Rio Grande Valley Birding Festival.  Lots of frustrations.  Lots of friends.  It is so good to see so many friends ready to support me.  But I don't get enough time to visit with them and when I do it's a noisy room that makes me want to run away.  I don't do indoors and I don't do loud places easily.  

But then there are the birds.  I chased a potential US first for me today, a Social Flycatcher that was sound recorded in Brownsville on a festival trip.  I chased the one in 2005 in Bentsen but was one day late, so it is a most wanted bird.  And I missed this one too, at least for today.